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[04 Sep 2009|10:55am] |
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DEAR SKETCHY EX FRIENDS. YOU'LL GET YOURS.
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[03 Apr 2009|08:32am] |
for once... in a really long time....
I missed you.
when I think about this shit my heart hurts.
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[22 Mar 2009|09:50pm] |
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I saw erykah badu
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| wrap your arms around me, its fucking freezing, and I just saw napalm in your eyes. |
[18 Mar 2009|09:46am] |
I beat myself up over things I have no control over
I blame myself for things that aren't my fault
I feel guilty for things that I know I did not do.
tomorrow is thursday and I'm going to austin for south by southwest. I need to let go again.... I've let myself get tangled in my own world again, and I hate it. I enjoy the peaceful disconnection. I enjoy not caring about what everyone else cares about. money, items, flesh, love, hate. its pointless to me, but at the same time its so easy for me to get caught up in it.
I miss connections... like... real ones.
I thought I had made one the other night, but it turned out to be more of a mistake than anything... now I know to keep a safe amount of distance. idk.
I miss being loved. that's for sure.
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[17 Mar 2009|05:29pm] |
so emotionally disconnected.
I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore.
why do I do this to myself?
whatever
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[14 Mar 2009|09:11am] |
dear sxsw.
hi, how've you been?
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[07 Mar 2009|02:09am] |
that was tight
word as fuck.
but i aint trippin.
just fucking smiling.
this is new
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[06 Mar 2009|03:36am] |
Im just about done with it. you know, this whole "being nice" thing.
this world needs nukes.
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[02 Mar 2009|03:44pm] |
Whenever I'm in doubt about things I do
I listen to the high street wailing sounds in a queue
I go out for my walking sailing social news
Don't let it get me down I'm long in the tooth
When I'm out in the open clattering shoppers around
The neon signs that take your eyes to town
Your thoughts are chosen your world is advertising now
And extravagance matters to worshippers of the pound
But it's a harmony in my head
It's a harmony in my head
The tortured faces expression out aloud
And life's little ironies seem so obvious now
Your cashed in checkes have placed the payments down
And there's a line of buses all wait to take you out
But it's a harmony in my head
It's a harmony in my head
It's a...
It's a harmony in my head
It's a harmony in my head
It's a harmony in my head
It's a harmony in my head
Whenever I'm in doubt about things I do
I listen to the high street wailing sounds in a queue
I go out for my walking sailing social news
Don't let it get me down I'm long in the tooth
'Cos it's a harmony in my head
It's a harmony in my head
It's a harmony in my head
It's a harmony in my head
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[28 Feb 2009|08:21am] |
I want today to be over.
this is going to stir up some stuff inside of me that I didn't want to stir up. ugh... I wish I just didn't have to deal with it. I know I have to. but that's where I'm at, and that's where I've been. I'm sucking in the butterflies. I hope its an in/out ordeal. I'm not a fan of reunions.
fuck :\
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| it was all a dream. |
[25 Feb 2009|11:26pm] |
I use to read word up magazine.
I've been buggin too much about certain things. things I can't change. things. things that I also thought were my fault.
I keep forgetting who this is all about. I need to stop holding myself accountable for the actions of others. I'm not changing.
picking things up.
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[23 Feb 2009|09:09pm] |
been a while.
So ill be moving out soon, possibly the next month or 2, definitely before summer. there are a ton of things I need to do between now, then, and definitely after. I'm not going to list them...
I did one today, and after saturday ill have dealt with one of the last immature things I've ever done. fuck anyone else's opinion. I'm doing what I should've done... ill find my pride in knowing that I finally did the right thing, instead of being a liar.
goodnight.
thanks for the tunes mayor hawthorne. you spin funk & soul better than a lot of djs today. sans madlib. put me to sleep.
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| some things. |
[18 Feb 2009|09:29am] |
-the mediocrity... when will it stop? I still feel like I'm trying to dig my way out of a rut, when I thought I was already out of it. I'm making and saving more money. I just need to get the fuck out.
-the mediocrity doesn't even stop at my personal life. its starting to spread out into my friendships, and relationships. some "friends" are dodging me because they owe me money... and it only pisses me off cause it proves that business and friendships don't mix. I wouldn't have even called it business rather me selling him my fucking drumset that he has in his posession. last friday I made 2 sets of plans to hang out in the early afternoon with a friend from out of tow (that I've known since the 2nd grade), and a girl who swears up and down that she wants to hang out. long story short both plans bailed on me, and I ended up driving all the way to austin for some records... I'm also amazed at how temporary one of my most recent friendships was. heh. by this point it feels like the lack of communication is going to be permanent. and that really bums me out, cause this was proving to be one of my more promising friendships, or so I though. whatever... things change. people move on. it just sucks that for some motherfucking goddamn reason all of MY "friends" can't be honest, or up front. everyone takes the fucking back door out, like I'm not going to notice or some shit... WELL I NOTICED. other friends are only around when they want to be, and alienate me otherwise. and very few are helping me keep my faith in "friendship". these people matter, and they've made that clear by doing the shit that friends do. whether its texting or calling to say "how've you been, dude?" or calling to hang out, or even leaving a stupid myspace comment every once in a while. Its clear to me that these people WANT to be a part of my life, and want me to be a part of theirs. and its cool if other people don't feel the same way. but seriously, I don't think some of you realize how shitty it feels when someone that you've come to be good friends with just decides to stop being a friend. I'm glad I was raised with morals. maybe if I were as shitty as some people were I wouldn't feel as bad about being walked out on. but yeah, I've been down this road, and the shit that I was taught as a kid was the right shit, and I won't insult my grandfather by being any other way.
whatever. I'm done bitching about shit that won't change. I should just take comfort in the fact that I won't.
ps.
after this you may be able to call me a liar. and maybe even a thief. but goddamnit I'm definitely NOT stupid.
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| ha. |
[07 Feb 2009|08:31am] |
moving out?
lets hope all goes according to plan.
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[04 Feb 2009|07:55am] |
well yesterday started off pretty shitty. I got a rude awakening, and spent most of my time at work responding and dealing with stuff. I made a decision that I'm not too comfortable with. but I see no other way to sever ties once and for all.
the day ended pretty pleasantly. Cori randomly came by the museum to hang out, it was awesome. I hadn't seen her since new years. she stayed til I closed, then we went back to my house, layed on the couch and watched the best of steve martin and seinfeld while smoking bowls and drinking bum wine. girl rules. for the few hours we hung last night, I felt good, and had fun. I get slightly bummed when I realise that I won't be able to have her the way I want to. but out of a good handful, I'm the one that's still around. Right now I have more to gain from her friendship. I'm gonna start hanging out with her castroville. doin country thangs.
a big congrats to Erykah Badu!
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[03 Feb 2009|01:46pm] |
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whatever. I'm just going to listen to pissed jeans and dragnet all day.
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[29 Jan 2009|07:54pm] |
im going to get rid of this pathetic blasted heap I like to call myself. Lose my fucking demons and get myself back on the up and up. Tomorrow is my last day working for john crowder. the further away it was the more relieved I thought I would have been. Ill still be some what so. But I know Im going to feel like a lurch in my newly acquired "spare time" wow. what an awesome word. time to start filling out shit for financial aid, and get my shit together as far as education goes. No more sporadic moods, no more dwelling on a reality that was far out of my reach somewhere in the middle of 2008. thats where all this started. I shouldn't have subconsciously let myself think that another connection or relationship was the cure. Cause it sure as hell wasnt. I find now that because I felt that way that I've made even more of a mess out of my life (emotionally, other than that im doing awesome). So now its time for me to get the rest of the pieces in place. With this spare time I'll be frequenting the Gym on a daily basis (after I find another one to get a membership at), I'll also be saving money for new equipment. I sat for a long time in the skywalk today thinking about what was going to make me happy. I thought about how in highschool I didnt give a fuck about what was going on in my love life. I had crushes, but it was no big deal, and it definitely didn't plague my thoughts like it does now. There are many differences between me and that person now. But the only relative one, was that I was playing music. I was the center of attention, and I vented what I felt through what I played, and was kept at a constant happy medium. It's time to bring it back. Im through talking about it. With this occupational change will come the final change that I'll need to be completely drop my old relationship tendencies (yes for some reason, ever since august, ive had these same habits and a thoughts that I had when I was in that relationship...) I guess it didnt feel like much changed. I was fresh into working 2 jobs then, and had just gotten my new car. The relationship ended and I was moving so fast that I've been stuck in this "we just broke up" stage since. My eyes are open now. I should have forgotten a really long time ago. Im ready to forget now. I feel good. This weekend will be amazing. I cant wait to see all of my amazing friends from all over texas. <3
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| seriously. |
[28 Jan 2009|07:54am] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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music |
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noise |
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now I know how I was acting right after me and that statue broke up. fuck relationships. why is everyone in such a fucking rush to be let down again by someone else. she always you to tell me shit like "you have to make you happy before you can make me happy" and "you have to love yourself before you can love" everyone is filled with so much fucking self loathing and hatred, that the last thing we should do is hunt for another heartbreak. I'm going to find out how to make me happy. cause this is bullshit.
ps.
do whatever you think you need to do. I'm not going to say I told you so, cause I'm not a fucking asshole... were talking about a dude who's best friend decided he would have the girl I was crushing on suck him off. only to do the same thing with another girl a few months later. not to mention the same dude that was dodging your calls, is now dodging mine for some stupid reason, instead of answering his phone and saying "yo, come get your money or your drumset". fuck shadiness. seriously, I won't have any part of that shit, cause I'm not a shady person. good luck with that. seriously. don't get hurt. I will write him off as a friend permanently if he hurts you.
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[27 Jan 2009|08:24am] |
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almost completely through with this thing.
heavyfriends.blogspot.com
update?
no thanks.
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[09 Jan 2009|01:45pm] |
everyone's got fucking problems.
the start to this year has been shitty...
Ill be in a more comfortable spot in a month or 2.
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